To whoever is reading, this is my first time writing in a very long, very loooooong time, and I’ve never expressed myself in this way before. If I made any mistakes, feel free to critique me. If this post resonates with you in any way, I’ll be happy. Thank you.
Intro
Hello! I’m Willie, and I’m 22 years old. A little about me: I lived with my grandparents in China during my early childhood. Then, I moved to California with my mom and sister around the age of seven. Here, I found my undying love for burritos, and even more my love for eating good food with people. I also graduated this year with a bachelor’s degree in Computer Science (CS), and am currently looking for job opportunities (I imagine some people might give me sympathetic looks after hearing that last snippet haha).
Now with all this time, I thought I’d start this blog trying to develop a habit of introspection and improve my writing skills.
Highschool
Looking back on my life, it makes me think, “Man, I haven’t given my life much thought or care that it probably deserved.”
In my high school days, I lived with a carefree attitude with no thoughts on where my priorities should lay. Frequent Skype and Discord calls that stretched from morning to late into the night, countless hours dedicated to climbing the virtual ladder, and a general innocent disregard for the future can be found in all my days. If I had a stopwatch that counted the hours I sat in front of my computer, it would probably be somewhere in the upper five digits. But I wouldn’t consider that time wasted—in fact, those remain some of my fondest memories
Yet, I knew things couldn’t continue like that forever, and that I needed to change. This feeling lurking in the back of my mind came into the light by the time senior year came around—it was time to apply to college. I thought that once I got in, my life would turn upside down, forcing me to embrace change for its own sake.
In my last-minute, caffeine-fueled process of applying to college, I picked schools my parents would approve of and settled on the highest-ranked one that accepted me. Moreover, I chose CS not because of my fondness of videogames or anything like that, but I heard the major was a good all-rounder that would secure my future. Plus, I figured if I wanted to switch majors, I had the next four years to do so.
And then, four years flew by.
College
I like to imagine a wave swept me off my feet, carried me along its currents for a few years, and then washed me back ashore, right where as I began.
When I started college, I came in with this expectation that the change in environment would transform me into a completely different person. I envisioned myself evolving from an introverted squabbler goblin into a diligent, outgoing extrovert. But that was just an idealized dream, I had no real plan for how that pokemon-esque evolution would happen—I simply assumed it would occur on its own.
Of course, it makes sense that it didn’t exactly turn out that way.
The COVID pandemic shifted my in-person courses online, turning my first year of college into “High School: The Sequel.” Remote courses meant I spent more time in my room than on campus. In this, I missed the deadline for on-campus housing, and after a scramble for off-campus housing, I ended up never experiencing typical dorm life. Instead, I found myself playing the same games in a single room as I had in high school.
Still, I’ll give myself some credit. In the latter half of college, I started situating myself with college life. I mustered up the courage to talk to new people, made a few friends (even if they were more casual acquaintances), and met my amazing girlfriend. I was still letting the currents carry me, but at least I moved in a new direction now and then.
Yet, I can’t help but think I could have done more. I let life pass me by. I should’ve spent more time getting to know my housemates and seeing what they were up to. I assumed I’d always have the option, but by the time they were leaving, I realized time had run out. I should’ve accepted the invitations to join campus clubs during club rush and experienced the diverse aspects of college life. I should’ve taken advantage of the university’s career resources and pursued internships to better understand the field I was entering.
My heart feels a bit heavy whenever these thoughts resurface. And to be honest, I sometimes wish I could travel back in time to do things differently, but what’s done is done. Past me could done things differently, but he also did the best he could with what he knew. I could sit here feeling sad and regretful, but I’d rather embrace those experiences and move forward.
Now what?
Things might get worse, or they might get better—who really knows? The only thing I can control is how I approach it: with kindness and hope. I’ll be kind to myself for the mistakes I’ve made and hopeful that, through my action, things can improve. I’ll take a more active role in shaping my own life, staying curious about all the opportunities it presents. I want to engage with things that genuinely matter to me.
There’s also a long backlog of things I’ve put off over the years—like learning the guitar, drawing, and writing. I know there is a bunch of experiences to unpack in even just one of those things, and I hope to share them here as I explore each one.
As I step into the next chapter of my life, I’ll put a little more thought this time.
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